6:00 AM – “Wake Up America!”
Morning news, weather, and a cheerful anchor faking enthusiasm at sunrise.
Commercial Break:
- Zombexa™ – For when you’re too tired to feel human. Side effects may include mild death.
- Restalert™ – Helps you sleep and wake up at the same time. Somehow.
- Pillaxa™ – “For energy, clarity, and that fresh-out-of-bed fake-smile feeling!”
8:00 AM – “Dr. Mike’s Medical Mystery Hour”
He’s not a real doctor, but he’s got a lab coat and an attitude.
Commercial Break:
- Lungify™ – Breathe like you’ve never vaped a day in your life.
- Nostalgex™ – For people who miss the 90s and can’t stop crying about it.
- GastroNumb™ – For heartburn, indigestion, or regret after Taco Tuesday.
9:00 AM – “Courtroom Kookiness”
Watch real judges yell at fake people suing each other for unpaid dog grooming bills.
Commercial Break:
- SueFree™ – The only medication to treat courtroom anxiety (not available in Utah).
- Defendex™ – May cause confident overreactions. Call your lawyer before use.
- Civicor™ – “Bringing justice to your gut.” Nobody knows what it actually treats.
11:00 AM – “The Viewpoint Ladies”
Five women. Ten opinions. One bottle of Chardonnay.
Commercial Break:
- MenoPause™ – For mid-life mood swings and yelling at Alexa.
- OvaRest™ – “Because your eggs are tired too.”
- Feelivra™ – Not sure what it does, but the ad shows people running through wheat fields, so it must be good.
12:00 PM – “Soap Operas & Soft-Tissue Damage”
He’s her second cousin. And her ex. And her cardiologist.
Commercial Break:
- Romantix™ – Rekindle the spark (may cause hallucinations of past relationships).
- Tearidone™ – For crying too much or not enough. Ask your ex if Tearidone is right for you.
- Dermacyn™ – For soft skin and suspicious love triangles.
2:00 PM – “Daytime Drama Digest”
Two hosts summarize all the shows you just watched because nobody really watches them.
Commercial Break:
- Recaprone™ – Helps you remember what you just saw 10 minutes ago.
- Forgettix™ – For that plot twist you’d rather not think about.
- Narrivox™ – Warning: may cause you to narrate your life in the third person.
4:00 PM – “The Infomercial Power Hour”
One blender. Twenty-nine payment plans.
Commercial Break (within commercial):
- Buyagra™ – The pill for impulse shopping disorders.
- Debtalin™ – Temporarily masks your financial decisions.
- TummEase™ – For bloating caused by questionable multi-level marketing snacks.
6:00 PM – “Evening News: Panic Edition”
More crime, more weather, and your health in imminent danger.
Commercial Break:
- Panikor™ – Calms you after hearing the news you just heard.
- Statinax™ – For your cholesterol, which the news just told you is killing you.
- Doomquil™ – For restful sleep after 30 minutes of pure existential dread.
8:00 PM – “Crime Time: CSI Nebraska”
Detectives uncover DNA on corn husks.
Commercial Break:
- Detectacil™ – For overactive suspicion and dramatic gasps.
- Cluevex™ – Helps you piece together plot holes. Side effects may include plot blindness.
- Interrogix™ – For people who yell “Just tell me the truth!” at their spouses for no reason.
10:00 PM – “Late Night Laughs with Idiots.”
Jokes, music, and celebrities pretending to be relatable.
Commercial Break:
- Snoozexa™ – Helps you fall asleep by minute 12 of the monologue.
- Giggleon™ – “For when you want to laugh like the studio audience but can’t.”
- Insomnitol™ – For sleep. Or just watch the rerun of CSI Nebraska again.
11:00 PM – “Paid Programming”
Where the TV makes you feel old and your body agrees.
Commercial Break:
- Actually, it’s all drug commercials now. One long reel of gray-haired couples biking, sighing, and watching sunsets.
Products include: - Heartalyn™
- Bonviva®
- Rectanil™
- Whateverx™
(Warning: may interact with literally everything, including your feelings.)
FINAL THOUGHTS:
In the world of American TV, content is just the spoonful of sugar helping a tidal wave of pharmaceuticals go down.
Discuss with your doctor whether watching TV is right for you.
Can Someone Explain Why?
Can someone please explain to me why any prescription drugs are being marketed to the lay public that has neither the education nor the scientific understanding to decide the benefits of said products regarding their medical conditions?
In my opinion, prescription drugs should only be marketed to licensed medical doctors. Physicians have the educational background to assess the value of a specific drug on a case-by-case basis only after performing a proper medical examination on a patient.
The only reason direct marketing of prescription drugs to the public is even a practice in America is because Big Pharma has lobbied its way into such a position. The pharmaceutical industry is a financial juggernaut with vast amounts of money and power. Their ability to market prescription drugs to you and me and altogether avoid the educated professionals who are licensed to prescribe the pharmacologics is why so many drugs are overprescribed and misused by the American healthcare consumer.
–Dr. Reizer
NoFakeNews 