holiday letter writing service

Ho Ho Ho, Johnny!

Official North Pole Correspondence
From: Santa Claus
To: Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Oh boy, where do I even start?

First of all, you’re probably expecting this letter to be full of “be good” and “brush your teeth”. Well, grab a candy cane and sit down, kiddo, because Santa’s got some explaining to do.

See, for hundreds of years, I’ve been telling kids that I’ve been flying around the world, eating cookies, and pretending to know what everyone wants. But I’ve got to come clean this year.

I’m not real.

That’s right, Johnny. It’s actually your parents doing all the work, staying up late, wrapping presents, and trying not to curse when the toy instructions are written in Chinese.

But I don’t feel too bad about lying, because guess what?

The Easter Bunny isn’t real either.

Your mom and dad hide the eggs, and honestly, they’re better at it than any bunny could be.

The Tooth Fairy? Also fake!

Your parents are placing loose change under pillows.

Do you know all that stuff you’re learning in religious classes? Yep! It’s fake, too!

Now here’s where it gets wild, Johnny.
You know all those enormous dinosaurs on TV and in museums?

They’re all fake, too!

They’re actually dragons, the same ones that used to hang out with knights and accidentally barbecue castles. However, some scientists in the 1800s renamed them dinosaurs. And everyone clapped.

Oh, and about the corporate media, let’s just say they like stories almost as much as I do. The difference is, I tell mine once a year for free, and they do it all day long with a lot of drug commercials.

As for history books, well, they’re kind of like the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and everything else, mostly lies filled with a lot of creative writing.

So there you have it, Johnny. The truth, straight from Santa’s pen.

Now, I want you to go easy on your parents; they’ve been lied to for years and are following suit.

Stay merry, kiddo, and remember: dragons are real, dinosaurs not so much, and the truth is very hard to come by!

With love,

Santa Claus